In the writing style of The Onion

A local Lubbock resident of 15 years, Greg Bachman finally decided to buy health insurance for his family before open enrollment and despite not supporting President Obama.

Multiple independent studies confirm, health is the least important of all needs, behind shelter and sportscars. The National Science Journal and Harvard Medical Review back up claims with “70% of Americans do not have health insurance, because health does not support many lifestyle choices including tobacco, alcohol and fast food.”

“I always had auto insurance and home insurance. It was easy to see the value in protecting my truck and my home, but protecting my family’s health, that just wasn’t a priority,” said Bachman. “I also have gun insurance, because let’s face it, I’m from Texas and own too many guns – if anything were to happen to them, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

Why Didn’t You Purchase Health Insurance?

“Like most other Americans, I’m never sick and am in great shape, exercising constantly. My wife and kids are the same, we eat our veggies and maintain a stress free lifestyle. We have no history of illness/disease in our family and expect to live to old age without ever stepping foot into a hospital or taking any medication. So of course, health wasn’t the reason for getting insurance.”

What Made You Get Health Insurance?

“I decided on health insurance to avoid paying a penalty. Based on my income, I was going to have to fork over $8,000 in penalties for 2015 if I didn’t have health insurance. After speaking to an insurance representative, I found it was going to cost only $350 per month for health insurance. So it just made financial sense.”

“Now I can save money, although I don’t expect to use the discounted medication, free doctor checkups for my entire family, and significantly reduced costs in hospital visits.